Falcon

It’s one of those nights whereby you just simply get emotional, so emotional to the extent that you feel that you have simply no one to talk to despite that you had run through the contact list on your mobile. You simply realized that either those you could talk to are asleep or you simply can’t find the correct person to understand what you are going through or experiencing. Well last night was simply one of those nights. For no rhyme or reason, I just feel as if I’m the last person on Earth. Perhaps it’s the illness that I’m trying to recover from (just recovering from food poisoning and got the damn flu) or it’s just that final realization that my marriage has officially ended. Got the final papers from my lawyer this afternoon after the session at the hospital. In a way it’s a relief for me as I can finally tie up the loose ends but on the other hand I feel kind of lost…. Well what can I say, we were once husband and wife, we did share something together but it is now gone. From this marriage I’ve learned to realized that love cannot sustain itself, it will need other factors, like communication, understanding and zero expectation, but most of all, money. Movies always portray happily ever after. How often do we see that in real life? In the movies no doubt there are occasions whereby the lead actor is not rich but the lead actress will still chose him over the rich bastard. But do we see the aftermath of that choice? No. All we see or all the movie will ever show is the fact that the “good” guy wins in the end. But the life that they share after that choice has been made is never show on the silver screen. What does it shows? We still need money to survive. It is especially true if you are living in Singapore. Everything cost money, a lot of money. In this marriage I’ve learnt that it is not easy to maintain a household. There are so many bills to pay for. Utilities, town council fees, telephone bills, servicing of the air cons, housing loans, renovation loans… etc and the list can go on. Love cannot survive without bread. Now there are those out there who may disagree to what I’ve said. Well it’s your choice, you may have gone through or may not have gone through a marriage, but let me tell you this. It is a fact. No doubt that I may have made some wrong choices in the decision of what unit to purchase. However the choice was made with the understanding that in order for us to be able to maintain the house and the various expenses, she will have to contribute to it as well which she had agree to. But when it comes to the actual deed…. Well let’s just say that it isn’t so. I’ve never in my entire life been so glad to be out of something but this…. This marriage, I can safely say that I glad to be out of it. Cause the pain of it does not simply end with me; it drags my entire family and friends into the aftermath as well. Well despite the support and understanding that I have been given by them, its stills pains my heart to realize that my decision, my stubbornness; had caused them so much pain and suffering, especially so to my parents…. I’m not trying to point fingers at my ex wife that the everything that has happen is her fault because I believed that it takes two hands to clap and I’ve been a willing party to it and it is with this realization that I’ve been a willing party to the pain that I’ve caused which made it so much worse. I’ve always believed that there is everlasting love in this world. However, at this point of time, I’m losing that faith and I’ve began to view all my prospective relationship with an equating factor to money. It’s unfair to all my future partner/s, which I know, but at this point of time, I still can’t shake the specter out from myself. I’m trying to move on with my life and I still see it as impossible as whenever I’m thinking about starting a relationship, I will begin to question myself; Do you have the ability to provide for this person? Will she be able to understand you predicament? Is she willing to go through this entire craze with you? What do I have that will make her go through all this with me? Why do I have to bring another person into all this trouble? Well some may think I’m thinking too much and so may think what a MCP this ass is… No doubt that women in this age and time no longer need their man to provide everything for them but I believe that all women wants to be pamper at times by their love ones. How would you feel if each time you want to go out to relax yourself and your boyfriend tells you to go alone cause he ain’t got the cash to go out with you or when you want to buy something you have to calculate if you could afford it cause you want to help out your boyfriend with his debts? Which comes to another part, I don’t want my next partner to be helping me out with it. Since I cause the problem I hope to settle it myself….. What a liar I am…. Though I saying that I want to settle it myself, my dad’s still is helping me out…. A 28 years old guy…. Still has to turn to his dad for help and money…. What a failure. What a total failure…… The emotional turmoil that I’m going through, I really do not know how best to describe it… A newly made friend recently told me that she’s impress that I’m not suffering from depression with all the trouble that I’m going through… I told her; Seriously….. I don’t know if I’m suffering from it or not. It’s hard to tell friends about all that has happen cause they have their own problems to tend to and seriously who doesn’t? Now all I can pine for is that God gives me the opportunity to provide for my parents after all this crap is settled. Both of them are getting on in age and I sincerely hope and pray to God that he will give me the opportunity to make it up to them for all the pain that I’ve brought onto them. My brother too, I hope that I’ll become a better man that he can look up to. Someone whom he can one day be extremely proud of. The loneliness that I feel is something that only I know of and sometime it just seems so easy to simply end it all. But thankfully, God and my family has taught me well enough that escaping, though it is the easy way out, it is also the coward’s way. One thing that I really do not want to be, it’s a coward who do not stand and face the music of the wrong that he has done. It may hurt and may cause you pain, but the truth is always the truth and there is not other way to it.

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